The Brewers!

The next morning we were up and at it early again to head to Joyce’s place for morning tea! Joyce is an original member of the All American Girls Professional Baseball League, with the most amazing collection of memorabilia. The highlight was seeing Kez get dressed up in Joyce’s original uniform. She looked so cute, but swore to murder anyone who put photos of her in the dress on Facebook.

From Joyce’s we headed out to Divine’s, so the juniors could spend any money their parents had left over. We’re pretty sure some second mortgages were taken out to cover the long line of baseball gear rolling out of that shop.

Finally, we were on our way to Milwaukee for a tour of the Milwaukee Brewers stadium! What an amazing experience! The only downfall was the tour guide who kept getting sidetracked telling us stories about himself, and his own ball career. He also copped a feel of Huckstadt’s goodies, who didn’t enjoy posing with him in the outfield and much as he did.

On the way out again later, Rob pulled over at a small wooden building and announced the need to have an “urgent meeting” with the senior players. We all abandoned the juniors, climbed out of the bus and followed him to the building, wondering what we all could have possible done to piss him off enough to pull over in the middle of nowhere. It was only once we were inside that he announced that the “urgent meeting” was actually a quick stop in a bar called the Wooden Nickel, where he quickly had the bartender serve us up a round of drinks. It was a good pre-curser to the minor league game we headed to straight after. The Fielders, a team partially owned by Kevin Costner, provided us with great entertainment, and “candy floss” that tasted like fish. Most exciting was the concept of being able to watch a good game of baseball, in a carnival atmosphere in the middle of the week. It’s certainly something that we’d love to be able to go do in Australia and was a great end to a great day!

Get your SOX on!

For most this day was definitely a highlight. An early start saw us heading out for a three hour session at the WHITE SOCKS TRAINING ACADEMY!

An indoor training facility, it was half baseball, half basketball, with the Chicago Bulls sharing half of the facility. A huge expanse, there was room for all aspects of baseball work, and we spent three quality hours with our two “coaches” for the morning.

Bel, Renee and Coxy were all suitably impressed with the quality of the ex-pro-ball players coaching us, and not just for their ball skills! The guys proceeded to take us through throwing drills, fielding drills, pitching training and finally, batting. Being filmed performing your swing, and then having it compared side-by-side to a pro-ball player was confronting. Some girls were more concerned with how they looked in their uniform on camera, as opposed to the quality of their swing. Highlights of the day was the coach, upon seeing one player bouncing their throws into their partner, heading over to try and fix the issue. When informed that the poor throw was due to a shoulder injury and not incompetence, he breathed a sigh of relief and said “thank god, I thought you were actually that bad!” Bobbie also walked away with a black eye, and Bel nursed a torn bicep muscle. I’m pretty sure everyone agreed the injuries were well worth it, though.

The departure was inevitably delayed by the juniors enthusiastically spending their parent’s money in the merchandise shop. The rest of us waited outside, and waited, and waited and waited. Eventually however, after a quick Maccas stop, we were on our way to the original home of the Rochford Peaches, of “A League of their Own” fame!

We played against a local team mostly made up of softball players. Our team was made up of Aussie Hearts, Janeane Lesko and some girls dressed up in original Rochford Peaches uniforms. It was a fun game to be had by all, with Lesko getting way too caught up in the excitement. While sitting on the bench watching the Hearts fielding, an opposition player got struck out. Everyone clapped, only to have Lesco sigh, stand up and say “well, I guess its my turn,” and walk over to take her place in the batters box – for the opposition! She well and truly earned the Moo Moo Award that day, that was, until Bobbie took the field. Bobbie is currently undergoing basic baseball rule re-training. Eg. When you’re on second base, and there is a fellow runner on third, DON’T steal to third UNTIL the base is empty. It’s an easy way to get yourself, or your team mate, out! :-P

Three U Turns and a Multi Lane Switch

Today was about travelling. From Toronto to Chicago. Good times.

We also learned a lot about Rob by way of his driving. Rob is dependant on a Sat Nav to get around, and follows it blindly. With this methodology, we’ve done the maths and worked out that on an average Rob commits three U-turns and at least one multi-lane change daily. A multi-lane change may not sound like a big issue, but when it’s performed at 100kms an hour, with only ten metres to get across the road to an exit, its terrifying and as passengers we find it easier to cower with our eyes closed until the ride is over.

Check in at Toronto for a group of 25 was the usual chaotic affair. Shelley in particular copped it, being singled out in customs for an interrogation. We told her to think herself lucky there were no plastic gloves involved, but the experience really didn’t help her sense of confidence in the airport transit system.

After approximately eight hours of travelling we landed in Kenosha Wisconsin. Now, considering the majority of us had been led to believe Kenosha was a suburb of Chicago, it made for an interesting revelation. Nevertheless, we’re troopers, and as long as there was a pub within walking distance, we were never going to be anything but satisfied.

Introducing Captain Mikes!

Directly across the road, Captain Mike’s is a tiny bar, hosting a plethora of interesting characters and a beer list more than 200 long. Naturally, we decided to steal a beer list and tick off all the beers we downed. At last count, we’d made it to seventy. Captain Mikes also came complete with Elise and Mark. Mark, who had a massive woody for Renee, repeatedly propositioned her and asked her to dance, much to our amusement. Elise, a short-haired, bottle blond, toothless character became infatuated with Bobbie. It was okay though, apparently Elise couldn’t be classified as a “stalker” because she had a tattoo of a footballers number on the back of her neck. Yes, we took a photo.

Overall however the night was not a big one because we had to be up early the next day for training at the White Socks Academy!

Niagara gets the Aussie treatment!

After two days of hard-core playing, it was time for some tourist shenanigans, so off we went to Niagara Falls. Those of us who were passengers on the way to the Falls truly learnt the meaning of the word “terror,” as our drivers attempted to break the land-speed record for a Toronto Express Way. Several of us were spotted clawing the back window in an attempt to escape, much to the concern of other drivers being left in our wake.

Niagara Falls itself was epic, a huge expanse of natural beauty, surrounded by Westernised tourist crap. Maid of the Mist, amongst other activities was offered to us, with Rob insisting on negotiating a discount for our large group. Twenty minutes later, our juniors were able to scam their way in at Childrens prices, and the rest of us sucked it up and paid full price.

Maid of the Mist, a boat that sails right up under the falls, required the wearing of plastic recyclable ponchos. Apparently this was beyond some of the parents, who either couldn’t get them on, or got completely stuck in them altogether (with one incident so extreme that it landed the culprit with a Moo Moo Award). Some of the juniors wore their ponchos, but apparently had their mouths open, later announcing that polluted Niagra water tasted “nice.”

After experiencing the delights of Niagra, we decided to go for lunch in a restaurant overlooking the top of the falls. Coxy discovered that she’d lost her watch in the last few minutes and proceeded to scour the restaurant for it, only to sidle back to the chair a minute later, admitting sheepishly that it was in her pocket the entire time. Next on the list were “Bear Claws,” an apparently delicious Canadian dessert. They are really donuts in the shape of a fat chick’s hand, covered in your topping of choice. They left a lot to be desired, just like a fat chicks hand.

For anyone who hasn’t been to Niagra Falls, part of the experience is the ridiculousness that is Clifton Hill. The main street, it is literally like a Vegas in the middle of the wilderness. It is an absolute disgrace that something so vulgar could be built next to something so naturally beautiful. Clifton Hill came with its own peculiarities. A pink haired woman apparently found it appropriate to wander around in nothing but a micro bikini with the Canadian flag printed on it. Apparently strippers are patriotic these days. This was only topped by the appearance of Wiggles, Lesko and Heather who all sported ridiculous fur hats and other paraphernalia. Wiggles had some success with her get-up, picking up multiple Sergios throughout the day.

Hard Rock café was where we eventually settled in for a few hours. Rob became excited about the opportunities presented by the good looking male singer entertaining us, and hurried to invite him to sit with us. He popped a chair between Coxy and Bel, despite Coxy’s claims that she was not actually single, and Bel’s assertion that she wasn’t actually interested. Rob did in fact get the singer over to sit with us, and proceeded to be the only one to talk to him for the next twenty minutes. It was only after Rob gave the singer his phone number with an invitation to “hook him up with music contacts in Australia,” that we decided to break it to him that the singer was in fact gay, and Rob had just successfully picked him up.

Speaking of singers, the next band took the stage with camel-toed excitement, Red Necks the likes of which Frankston has never seen. Shelley felt an immediate affiliation with these bogans and decided to join them on stage, gyrating enthusiastically for the next five minutes, taking up a tambourine. At the end the singer passionately thanked “Joey” for her assistance on stage, and acknowledge her as a member of the band. Everyone now calls Shelley “Joey.” See Facebook for the footage.

So after ten glorious hours we finally headed home, slightly delirious and happy that Rob only managed to get us lost once on the way back.

Are you right-left ready?

So if you’re into baseball, you might find this interesting and relevant. If you’re not - leave now, or forever hold your peace.

So as Wiggles was kind enough to point out to us yesterday, across two days we played the equivalent of what would normally represent almost six weeks of baseball. No wonder we’re all a bunch of crippled old ladies right now, needing ice baths and massages just to get out of bed in the morning!

There were two senior games and one junior game each day. We played four different baseball clubs, who were all from the same league and used to playing against each other.

The day started off with some epic ninja-squirrel sightings. To clarify – there are country-squirrels; cute, grey cartoon-character like... And then there are ninja-squirrels! Pitch black, who hit you out of nowhere and take off again before you can regain consciousness. The ninja-squirrels live a clandestine life of power-line tightrope walking and cross-road sprinting, providing us with endless entertainment by jumping out unexpectedly to collective shouts of “ninja-squirrel!” Yes, we are all adult women, but apparently when under the effects of litres of Gatorade and intense exercise we become completely deranged.

But deranged or not we put in some seriously shit hot baseball, lead by none other then the pitching-machine, Simone Wearne. Yes, we’re naming you Wig, because anyone who can pitch seventeen of the twenty-six innings played, only give up a handful of runs, and still leave at the end of the day with your arm attached (albeit hanging by a thread) DESERVES a mention in this the most magnificent blog on the planet right now. Be grateful we haven’t started a fan club for you on Facebook! Oh wait… hang on a second…

One member of Wig’s Facebook fan club will surely now be the tiniest, cutest little size-4-cleat, 4ft8” Asian girl, who popped up to bat with a three-inch strike zone in the last game, and proceeded to smash Wearnie for a double. Sorry, had to bring it up. Classic!

Overall however the results were as follows (to the best of our memory)

Game One – won 1-7.

Game Two – won 2-13.

Game Three – tied 8 all

Game Four – won 11-10

Game Five – won 2-lots of runs

Game Six – won 2-1

We had some good physical plays, and some fun times as well. Lou took a major league style running fly-ball catch into the third-base fence, which earned her a moo-moo exemption (more on that later). She also slid three times in one lap around the diamond. She explained later that she has no choice but to slide because she gets up too much speed and can’t stop any other way. We’ve changed her name to Road-Runner but she is not answering to it yet. We’re working on it.

Highlight of day one was an amazing run down play, executed text-book perfectly by the team, instigated when a first-base runner got a bit too enthusiastic with her secondary lead. To see this performed by a team who had literally played one full game together was incredible, and showed what could be achieved by people with a like-minded attitude.

Similarly impressive plays were executed repeatedly. After a dropped third-strike the Catcher hit first and got the out, only to have the first-baseman, junior Megan, shoot the ball right back to get the runner sneaking home from third base and stopped what would have been the tying run. The team didn’t give up trying these kinds of plays across the two days. When trying to roll a double play, we got the out at one, attempted the out at two and missed, but didn’t give up, hitting home plate in time to tag the third-base runner sneaking home.

Renae was kept busy in the outfield, running around like a mad man, as was Shelley when filling in for the junior game. Much to our amusement. As for the juniors, well, almost half the team was out “sick” due to various reasons so the seniors had to step up to the plate, literally, with most of us playing an extra game at one point or another. Bobbie in particular was given a last second call up and took to the field wearing runners that it took an entire innings for her to realise were not even laced up. She didn’t trip though, that job was left to Tegan, our sprightly sixteen year old who managed to trip over first base, and then almost face-plant on the way to second while rounding the diamond. There was no plausible reason for this clumsiness, we think she might have been distracted by the ninja-squirrels, or Sergio.

In terms of physicality, you can always rely on the Tamworth girls to put on a show. Bel decided when running to first that it was appropriate to “take out” the poor first baseman who was standing over the base, minding her own business. When Bel ran through her we may or may not have seen her “drop the shoulder”… what happens on tour stays on tour… all we do know is that it took a while for the poor opposition player’s head to stop spinning.

So ultimately, for what was one of the most ferocious displays of clutch hitting seen in a long time, Shelley scored the MVP for the Toronto leg of the tour, and the trophy sits very well beside her beaver. To clarify – one of the teams gave us beaver statues as a gift and now we’re having to put up with beavers being flashed everywhere.

Finally, do you remember the Moo Moo purchased at Wal Mart mentioned in the previous entry? Well, its been put to use via the creation of the now infamous “Moo Moo Award” for the most ridiculous performance of the day. A Moo Moo, also known as a Maxi Dress, was something worn by Homer Simpson when he got too fat for his normal clothes. Our Moo Moo is covered in pink and purple flowers and would not be out of place in a Savers store… the first Moo Moo recipient, for excessive use of the word “Moo Moo” was Coxy. As the recipient, she had to wear the Moo Moo that evening. She wore it to the pizza party, and man, did she pull that Moo Moo off!

You will never, never, NEVER, EVER read this entry AGAIN!

So day two was all about getting to know each other, training and playing the tourist. It started out with a team meeting, handing out of uniforms and a briefing of plans for the day: training, lunch, a tour of the Sky Dome - home of the Toronto Blue Jays, a sojourn to Wayne Gretzki’s bar ‘Oasis,’ then dinner in a local pub. Very exciting for all of us, and of course, plenty of opportunity for randomness to ensue.

First things first: a special mention goes to one of the beloved junior members of our tour. Megan, also well known for her unnecessary but highly entertaining diving antics at training, experienced embarrassment when it was revealed that she asked the following question on her way to Canada: “do they accept Australian currency at Sydney airport?” … Almost a “MooMoo-worthy offence,” truth be told. More about “MooMoo worthy offences” later…

Now, before we headed off for training, team manager Rob excitedly announced that the team’s hats had unexpectedly arrived early! We were then regaled with a blow-by-blow description of the new hats, the best hats he has ever seen, soon to be imported into Australia and surely will out-sell all other hats! We got on-board with this assertion immediately and gushed suitably over how wonderful the new hats were. Someone commented on how much room there was for people with excessively large foreheads, or “deep head” as another interjected, adding that she liked deep head - as in, deep heads on hats. All the dirty bitches in the immediate area however had a field day with this comment, much to the embarrassment of the person who had done nothing more than observe an outstanding feature of the wonderful new hats.

Rob also kept us entertained with comments about the itinerary and a lecture for the junior members of the squad.

“There are numerous activities on here, but all are optional. If you were to say, meet a “Sergio” while out and about, and you decided that instead of going on an activity with us you’d like to spend some time with your “Sergio” then go right ahead.” Of course this now means any slightly strange or freaky man that we meet on the tour is now to be nicknamed Sergio, and allocated a girlfriend in the team. Wiggles already has her Sergio – a g-banger wearing gentleman who frequents the pool beside our playing field. She is smitten.

Then it was time for Rob’s lecture…

“Now, Junior ladies, you will be going off to stay with your billeted families this evening. I must stipulate: no alcohol, no chemicals of any kind, definitely no Sergios, and no shenanigans! Senior ladies… enjoy your evening!”

So off we went in search of our own special Sergio. And boy, did we strike gold! On the Blue Jays home ground tour we were fortunate enough to have Mike as our tour guide. Mike was a slightly manic looking man, who apparently still lived with his mother. Mike had a very thin, very obvious comb over and knew every random fact to do with Sky Dome known to mankind. INCLUDING a verbatim list of the hundreds of artists to perform at Sky Dome since its opening, which he performed for us. At request, he then repeated it, and we filmed it, because it was truly ridiculous. Anyway, Mike had this extremely annoying habit, as we moved through the stadium, of reminding us not to leave anything behind because we would “never, never, never, ever return to this place again.” Heather decided to head f**k with him, and said that he couldn’t be sure of that, because what if she bought a ticket to a Blue Jay’s game and came back the next night? This frazzled him somewhat, but then he outsmarted her by adjusting his pitch. “We will never, never, NEVER, EVER return to this place again - during this tour route.” Smart ass.

Should we mention at this point that we got asked to sign autographs? We have the immense privilege of travelling on this tour with Jeneane Lesko, a genuine member of the original All-American Girls Professional Baseball league. She is in her 70’s and is an absolute legend. Someone wanted her autograph, and rightfully so, but then decided that we too were certainly autograph worthy and got us to sign a ticket for her. We all hope she doesn’t feel too disappointed when she tries to sell that ticket on eBay…

So there was plenty happening to keep us entertained. We stumbled upon a wedding in a smelly brewery, with a very stylish gentleman wearing a black suit jacket and bright pink pants. Bobby got distracted when perving and walked straight into a pole, and we also discovered a gay bay called “The Beaver.”

All in all, another productive day on tour.

Oh, and on the way home we stopped at Wall Mart and bought a MooMoo. What else would you possibly want to buy in the store that acts as a symbol of American consumer excessiveness?

It's a long way to the top of you wanna rock n roll, its a long way to Toronto if you go via Soeul

After a 4.00am wake up call, Coxy, Huck and Pitman arrived at the airport to see our could-be shortstop leaning against the wall looking swish in her custom made Aussie Hearts polo shirt.

Checking in wasn’t too much of a drama, except for Pitman who was freaking about the impending strip-search and cavity check going through Customs. Lucky for her they saw the look of terror on her face and saved the glove snapping action for somebody else.

Boarding our amazing state-of-the-art plane was an eye-opening experience. The single television screen for the entire cabin and movies playing in Korean really made us feel at home. We also became really jealous when we looked at the airline magazine and discovered that our Sydney counterparts making a similar journey had been blessed with individual screens and the subsequent entertainment that came with it. True to form, Coxy helped herself to a well-earned sleeping tablet that knocked her out for the majority of the flight, and the rest of us alternatively slept or annoyed the rest of the passengers with our loud antics.

Speaking of antics, attempts to get a beer were long and arduous. After multiple requests we finally got our hands on some of the golden beverage only to be entertained by the logos on the beer cans:

“Cass – the sound of vitality, with a fizzy and crisp taste!”

“Max – a delicious idea.”

These two logos provided us with enough entertainment to make it to Korea, where we had a two-hour wait until the next leg of our journey. Fortunately for us, there was a pub, and our Sydney counterparts joined us for a beverage which enabled us to discover who the five people were who all requested the number 12 as their playing-shirt number. We then fined them all a $1.00 each for their lack of originality.

The second leg of the journey was nothing short of totally painful. We spent the entire time theorising about why we didn’t think to ask for a direct flight, and by the end of it were all convinced we would have been willing to spend thousands more to do so. Almost twenty-four hours of transit was made all the more entertaining by the screaming toddlers sitting two rows in front of us, and the yapping Chihuahua onboard. Yes… the CHIHUAHUA. Apparently in Korea you can take your dogs on BOARD THE PLANE. Coxy may or may not have expressed loudly in no uncertain terms the desire to choke the living shit out of the rat sized dog loud enough for plane staff to hear, because all of a sudden said rat-dog was relocated to the back-end of the aircraft. Obviously even Korean Air Hostesses know you don’t mess with a Frankston chick when she’s trapped in a small space, lacking sleep.

So we landed in Canada, and the appropriate level of confusion and chaos saw us a few hours later arriving at our hotel. We’re pretty sure that we greeted those queen sized beds like long lost, well loved relatives.

Random questions and comments for the day…

- What does “if you’re game” actually mean?

- What is so good about the number 12?

- These airline slippers are the comfiest slippers I’ve ever worn!

- Can’t wait for the next big screen movie – its Korean and called “Wedding Dress.”

- Korean museli bars are not as good as they're cracked up to be.